Tis the season to give. Tis the season to give your parents stupid shit for Christmas. My brother texted me yesterday and asked what my mom’s shoe size was. I was immediately nervous. I texted him back demanding to see anything he was purchasing for my mom. What did he send me? A picture of Uggs. Are you fucking kidding me?? I texted him back with a simple, “NO.”It got me thinking about the dumb shit we used to get our parents when we were growing up. I remember getting money from each parent to pick out something for the other one. My mom would take me to the store one day and my dad the next. My brother and I were constantly trying to come up with ways to keep the extra cash for a toy. Or it was even better if a gift came with another gift so we only spent money on one thing. One year, my brother got my dad some Old Spice cologne. It was my turn to pick out a present for my dad and I got him…Old Spice cologne. Why? Because it came with a free baseball glove! Duh! So that year, my dad got 2 bottles of Old Spice. And I kid you not – both bottles are still sitting under their sink til this day.
Another Christmas was probably the most awkward of all Christmases. My brother got my dad the largest coffee mug in the world. This thing was HUGE. Question – what does one do with such a large mug? No one really puts coffee in it! That’s way too much coffee! Good choice, bro. What did I get my mom that year? An expensive MICKEY MOUSE POCKET WATCH. Umm…apparently I had mistaken my mom as an 80 year old man who loves Mickey Mouse. Needless to say, she returned it the next day for two matching Mickey Mouse watches (yes, one was for me) that played the Mickey Mouse Club song every hour on the hour.Another year, my brother tried to one-up me by using MY idea for a Christmas present. You see, every year, my mom collects those bears from Macy’s (RIP The Bon Marche) with the year embroidered on them. I’ve been getting them for her every year since I was like 10. One year, my brother bought her the bear!! He came into my room and asked for wrapping paper so he can wrap the same exact bear I got her. I got so pissed. I remember complaining and crying to my mother and she made him return it for something else. What did he get? FLOWERS INSIDE A BALLOON. Who sells flowers inside a balloon? Who actually BUYS flowers inside a balloon??
As you can see, everyone buys stupid shit for their parents. What are some things you have gotten for your parents? Or even better – made them? I made my family a Christmas VIDEO one year with a bunch of pictures and sad music playing in the background. Christmas seemed more like funeral because it was so sad and awkward.
So this year—get your parents something cool. And please, something “cool” isn’t a pair of Uggs.
