Puff Puff Miley

Happy Friday! Click HERE to witness Hannah Montana smoke out of a bong. Miley Cyrus claims it's just salvia (shit you can buy at any tobacco store that supposedly is a psychedelic - but only happens to work for naive 14 year olds...).  Time to go back into hiding Miley!  Maybe you should just put on a blond wig with bangs and no one will ever be able to tell who you are...

Overheard in the office (take 11)

Corey: i fucking love ke$ha
Corey:  that's it. im purchasing her music on my itunes

Christmas Wishlist (3)

It's all I really want for Christmas

They Needed a Study for That?!

Thank God They Have an Instructional Video for this.

THANK YOU FOR THIS BRANDON.

Buildin' Forts

Who doesn't remember the days of building forts in your parents living room? Using plenty of pillow and blankets and various other house-hold items to assemble a little cave around the couch with siblings and friends was always one of my favorite past times. It was a serious challenge finding a way to hang sheets to the ceiling and hoping the couch cushions don't fall for the 65th time so that you can finally complete your fort. Ahh, it seems like yesterday.

And, it kind of was. Well, not yesterday, but just over a year go I was building one of the most epic forts I've ever built. Senior year of college, 8 girls living in a house in Seattle and one to many sets of sheets. One rainy Saturday we were all laying around on our big green couches deciding what to do. There was nothing good to do outside since it was pouring and we decided that the only logical thing to do would be to build a fort. FYI: We were sober.

Everyone brought down all their pillows, sheets and extra blankets and we went to town on that living room. Feeling crafty, we brought down various scarfs to hang the sheets from hooks on the ceiling. This shit was serious.

And then we spent the next week in our fort, drunk. We only left the fort for food and booze runs. I'm not sure anyone went to class that.....ahh, priorities.

Countless visitors stopped by to revel in this fort's greatness...or to revel in our oddness. I guess 22 year olds in a fort is weird to some people?

The moral of the story is-get off your butt and build a fort. Release that inner child. GO WILD!

Kind of cool...

There's an application on Facebook called "My Year in Status".  It basically makes a collage of all of your most popular status updates.  Mine were pretty good.  At least they didn't include where I put my purse or the stupid numbers game infesting newsfeeds right now.  What a crazy year, I can't believe it's almost 2011.  Where are the fucking hoverboards?!

  

It's going to snow in LA!!

[Fake snow...but regardless...SNOW!]

Don't get me wrong - I moved down here to get away from the rain and snow of Seattle, but I was a tiny bit jealous when my friends were telling me about their snow adventures.  A friend told me about this event happening tonight in Beverly Hills called 9-0-2-1-Snow.  Along Rodeo Drive, there will be 20 snow machines on all major buildings creating a blanket of snow.  YAY!  I mean...it's fake snow, but I'll do it. 

Passive aggressive notes.

If there's anything worst than passive aggressive people, it's a passive aggressive note, and even worse a passive aggressive text.  Which brings me to write this passive aggressive post.

I have a roommate.  And I would LOVE for him to find this.  He's not my "real" roommate.  He's actually just subletting for another month, so I'm not too worried about it.  Anyway, said roommate was probably the witness to one of the biggest disasters to hit LA this past weekend - my friends and I really drunk and on the verge of black out.

After returning from a night out (we had also been drinking all day for Apple Cup), we got back to my house and I'm not going to lie - we were super drunk.  And yes, probably being a little loud.  I was out walking Bentley when roommate came out and told my friends to be quiet (completely understandable).  One of my friends was a little out of it and said, "Fuck off" which of course caused everyone else to erupt in laughter.  I didn't even know this happened until the next day, when I received this text:

Hey so last night was awful.  I asked very nicely a couple of times for your friends (never saw you?) to try to be a little quieter, and it never happened.  Then around 2:15am I tried to ask kindly but no one even acknowledged me, so I had to yell "hey!" to get their attention, and then asked again.  I did not get a great response as you can imagine, I got cursed at and it got worse.  So I was supposed to be up at 6 to work at 8 for a 12 hour shift today.  On 3 hours of sleep that did not happen, thankfully I got someone to cover my shift.  Also more than an entire pizza is gone, so please replace that.  Thanks.


Do you see how long this text is?  Can you imagine it in real text form?  I had to scroll through pages!  Ok, I know what you're thinking - Dude, he has a point.  And I very well see it.  I apologized for the noise and the fact that my friends told him to fuck off (very rude...although kind of funny).  If it were me, I would've kicked them out (no offense).  But...and this is a big but...1) I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER AND IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO WAKE YOU UP FOR WORK.  I don't care if you had three hours of sleep.  Do you know how many times I've worked on 3 hours of sleep?  Get over it.  2) WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST TELLING ME THIS?  You wait fucking 24 hours to let me know this happened?  If it was so easy to get ahold of me the next day, why didn't you get ahold of me when it happened?  3) UMM REALLY?  A TEXT?  Even worse, a fucking LONG ass text that I had to take a break from reading because it was completely stupid and I got bored after 2 seconds?  All I can hear is blah blah blah.

I decided to play "nice" and give him back his precious pizza money.  Even though I know for a FACT my friend (a tiny girl) isn't capable of eating an entire pizza on her own.  A couple of days go by and I receive this note (written out) on the fridge:

Hey, do you know what happened to my EXPENSIVE bottle of wine?  I was hoping to drink it with a special friend.  Please return it.


First of all, no one ever says "expensive" when it really is an expensive bottle.  And judging by the SHIT that you eat (i.e. 4 pizzas in the fridge at all times, tv dinners and riceroni), I highly DOUBT you had an "expensive" bottle of wine.  And mind you - my friends drink beer and vodka (classy, I know) and we can afford our own "expensive" bottles of wine.  The LAST thing on our mind when we got home was drink wine.  Lastly, "special friend"?  Really?  No seriously, does this "special friend" know you refer to her as your "special friend"?  If she finds out, I doubt she will be "special" for much longer.  I'm sure she's just using you for your "expensive" bottles of wine.  Just sayin'.  Gotta watch out for those "special friends."

What's worse was that he deleted me off his facebook.  But you know who he didn't delete?  The love of my life - who told me the little twat bucket has been talking shit on his facebook about me!  At first I laughed, because really - he's THAT dude that writes stupid shit like "OMG my pizza is gone".  But now I'm just irritated and can't stand to look at him.  I want to find that bottle of wine SO BAD so I can drink it and leave it empty outside his door with a note that reads, "It's not what you think.  No one drank me, I just poured myself out because you're fucking lame."

Here's the moral of the story -
Don't write passive aggressive notes/texts to an Aries.  Especially this Aries.  I will make your life a living hell and make you feel so incredibly stupid for complaining about pizza and cheap wine...err I mean expensive wine.  GROW A PAIR AND TELL ME TO MY FACE ASS HAT.

I'm sorry you were late to work.  For us who have REAL jobs, the weekend is a getaway so we like to spend it with our friends and have some fun.  For you - work is a part time gig dealing with customers asking if you have a bathroom.  GET OVER IT.

And that my friends, concludes my passive aggressive post.

Welp, I'm off - I have an expensive bottle of wine to chug with my pizza.

Oh. (take 2)

That is not a vagina...those are just her thighs.  No big deal.

I hate this bitch.

I HATE THIS BITCH.  That is all.

Christmas Wishlist! (2)

Add this to the list!  I want a whole BOX of these.  Please and thank you.

Seriously...

What's worse than walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper in your pants?  Walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper in your pants with POOP.  Lovely.

BEST.JOB.EVER.

Scientists are dressing in panda costumes to release captive pandas back into the wild.  Does this not sound like the best job ever?!  You get to dress up as a panda and carry baby pandas all day!  Ugh...I want to sign up so bad. 

Hmm...

I HIGHLY doubt this person drives an Audi...

Cuteness OVERLOAD!

Overheard on G-chat (Take 2)

Mercado: OMG so much work right now!

Mercado: WTF

Corey: OMG ME TOO

Corey: im like swamped

Corey: this NEVER HAPPENS

Mercado: I KNOW

.....conversation between Mercado and I THIS MORNING. And we have still yet to update this little bloggy until now. Isn't it strange? Once in a blue moon the two of us actually have things to do.

Overheard in the office (take 10)

...Well actually Overheard outside during my cigarette break.

A homeless man came up to a couple of cops on motorcycles and asked where Spring street was.  They told him, and when he left one of the cops looked over at the other cop and said:

"He's probably running late for a job interview."

Then they continued to chuckle for a good 2 minutes.

Wow, cops, wow.  Way to be douche sponges. 

I Invented the Snuggie

Ah, the Snuggie. Everyone's heard of it. You probably have friends who own one. Hell, you probably own one. How could we forget the renowned TV Infomercial with everyone's favorite family warm and cozy in their fleece Snuggies, demonstrating how warm and cozy a Snuggie really is? There is a Snuggie for EVERYTHING. You can get a Snuggie in your college colors, a Christmas Snuggie and even an Oudoor Snuggie . There is even a Snuggie for you and your baby to stay warm!

Scott Boilen, who some have dubbed "Mr. Snuggie," is the CEO of all-things-Snuggie. And I'm sure we can re-name him "Money-bags" considering the incredible success the Snuggie has seen in recent years. This guy is probably loaded. He's probably sitting on his fancy leather sofa in his gigantic fancy house flipping though the channels of his big-screen HD TV wearing a Snuggie made of gold. Well, ladies and gentleman, Scott Boilen is a fraud.

I invented the Snuggie. Way back when I was asked to come up with an invention to share with my 5th grade GATE class. GATE was Gifted and Talented Education, a little program I was part of when I was younger. I guess they saw something in me, high expectations for a bright future. Well, it could have been a very bright future if Scott Boilen didn't find some way to completely jack my 5th grade invention.

Here is how it went down: I realized one day as I was laying on the couch, reading a book, that my arms were cold. An idea came to me and I promptly began to cut a sweatshirt in half and sew it to a blanket. Voila! I had just created my invention for my GATE project. Its name? The 'Sl-Blank' (Sleeve-Blanket), pronounced "SLABLANK."

You can imagine my surprise a few years later upon seeing that godforsaken Snuggie Commercial. That was my idea! Granted, they really 1-upped me on the name. The 'Sl-blank' ???? I know, it was stupid, and "Snuggie" is a great name. BUT REALLY-I could be that guy!

But now, instead of rolling around in the money that could be mine, I am desperately trying to find some relation to this Scott Boilen character so I can sue him like those Winklevoss twins sued Mark Zuckerberg over Facebook. They got a reported 65-million dollar pay out. I want.

Until then, I will revel in what could have been. And blog about it.

Teach me how to Snuggie

What if celebs were fat?

The title says it all...

[Christina Aguilera]

[Paris Hilton]

[Miley Cyrus]

[Rihanna]

[The Olsen Twins]

To see more FATastic photos, click HERE.