Oh. (take 2)

That is not a vagina...those are just her thighs.  No big deal.

I hate this bitch.

I HATE THIS BITCH.  That is all.

Christmas Wishlist! (2)

Add this to the list!  I want a whole BOX of these.  Please and thank you.

Seriously...

What's worse than walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper in your pants?  Walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper in your pants with POOP.  Lovely.

BEST.JOB.EVER.

Scientists are dressing in panda costumes to release captive pandas back into the wild.  Does this not sound like the best job ever?!  You get to dress up as a panda and carry baby pandas all day!  Ugh...I want to sign up so bad. 

Hmm...

I HIGHLY doubt this person drives an Audi...

Cuteness OVERLOAD!

Overheard on G-chat (Take 2)

Mercado: OMG so much work right now!

Mercado: WTF

Corey: OMG ME TOO

Corey: im like swamped

Corey: this NEVER HAPPENS

Mercado: I KNOW

.....conversation between Mercado and I THIS MORNING. And we have still yet to update this little bloggy until now. Isn't it strange? Once in a blue moon the two of us actually have things to do.

Overheard in the office (take 10)

...Well actually Overheard outside during my cigarette break.

A homeless man came up to a couple of cops on motorcycles and asked where Spring street was.  They told him, and when he left one of the cops looked over at the other cop and said:

"He's probably running late for a job interview."

Then they continued to chuckle for a good 2 minutes.

Wow, cops, wow.  Way to be douche sponges. 

I Invented the Snuggie

Ah, the Snuggie. Everyone's heard of it. You probably have friends who own one. Hell, you probably own one. How could we forget the renowned TV Infomercial with everyone's favorite family warm and cozy in their fleece Snuggies, demonstrating how warm and cozy a Snuggie really is? There is a Snuggie for EVERYTHING. You can get a Snuggie in your college colors, a Christmas Snuggie and even an Oudoor Snuggie . There is even a Snuggie for you and your baby to stay warm!

Scott Boilen, who some have dubbed "Mr. Snuggie," is the CEO of all-things-Snuggie. And I'm sure we can re-name him "Money-bags" considering the incredible success the Snuggie has seen in recent years. This guy is probably loaded. He's probably sitting on his fancy leather sofa in his gigantic fancy house flipping though the channels of his big-screen HD TV wearing a Snuggie made of gold. Well, ladies and gentleman, Scott Boilen is a fraud.

I invented the Snuggie. Way back when I was asked to come up with an invention to share with my 5th grade GATE class. GATE was Gifted and Talented Education, a little program I was part of when I was younger. I guess they saw something in me, high expectations for a bright future. Well, it could have been a very bright future if Scott Boilen didn't find some way to completely jack my 5th grade invention.

Here is how it went down: I realized one day as I was laying on the couch, reading a book, that my arms were cold. An idea came to me and I promptly began to cut a sweatshirt in half and sew it to a blanket. Voila! I had just created my invention for my GATE project. Its name? The 'Sl-Blank' (Sleeve-Blanket), pronounced "SLABLANK."

You can imagine my surprise a few years later upon seeing that godforsaken Snuggie Commercial. That was my idea! Granted, they really 1-upped me on the name. The 'Sl-blank' ???? I know, it was stupid, and "Snuggie" is a great name. BUT REALLY-I could be that guy!

But now, instead of rolling around in the money that could be mine, I am desperately trying to find some relation to this Scott Boilen character so I can sue him like those Winklevoss twins sued Mark Zuckerberg over Facebook. They got a reported 65-million dollar pay out. I want.

Until then, I will revel in what could have been. And blog about it.

Teach me how to Snuggie

What if celebs were fat?

The title says it all...

[Christina Aguilera]

[Paris Hilton]

[Miley Cyrus]

[Rihanna]

[The Olsen Twins]

To see more FATastic photos, click HERE.

Christmas Wishlist!

Christmas is coming up...I'm going to start posting weird ass shit that I want for Christmas.  Today's feature:  The Beard Beanie.  How awesome is this?!  Not only does it keep you warm, but you look fucking amazing as well.  It's a win win situation!  I would LOVE one of these.  Although it doesn't get this cold in LA, I would totes wear it all the time.  Click HERE to check it out.  Happy Monday!  Only 10 days until vacation...YESSSSSSSSS.

HAPPY WEEKENDS IN LOS ANGELES! (take 1)

Everyone always asks me what's going on in LA every weekend.  I'm going to start giving some ideas.  Granted, I don't really know much, but if I find out something cool, you will be the first to know!

Today at LA Live (Staples Center / DTLA), WILLOW SMITH IS DOING A FREE CONCERT.  Doors open at 5:30 with performances from Plain White T's, Greyson Chance, Willow, among others.  If you're in the area, PLEASE GO and watch Willow whip her hair.  She's amazing.

They should have Let it Be.

Some Swedish band has managed to get a clusterfuck of Z List Celebrities and remake a version of The Beatles "Let it be."  This was the outcome.  I dare you not to laugh out loud as you see some familiar faces.  My faves:  Tanya Harding (wearing a "Can you see me now" shirt in camo...), directly being followed by Glenn Close.  Aslo-Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and a guy from Minnili Vannili (lip syncing of course!).  There are just no words for this...

Ring-a-fucking-ling

 [Call me, and I can make it juicy for ya]

Today my cellphone went off during work.  I was away from my desk so my phone went off for a good 2 minutes.  The ring tone – Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop”.  Not only was it “Lollipop” but it was just the “Call me” part…oh you know exactly what I’m talking about…”Call me, so I can make it juicy for ya…call me so I can make it juicy for ya.”  Over and over this little sentence blared from my desk.  I got back to my phone and just looked around while everyone laughed.  I immediately regretted purchasing that ring tone, even though it was meant to be a joke. 

It reminded me of the time my brother was in court (he’s a lawyer).  It was one of his first times being in court and his phone went off and the ring tone was “I’m in love with a stripper” by T-Pain.  Oh dear.  Gotta love that autotune. 

And just yesterday, Corey said she was walking down the hall at her office and started hearing “California Gurls” by Katy Perry blaring.  She thought it was someone’s embarrassing ring tone, but it turns out her iphone went off and her itunes started playing.  I mean – we ALL have that song, but don’t necessarily want anyone to know we listen to it.  Everyday.  While being stuck in LA traffic.  And bopping our heads side to side.  

 [california gurls - we're undeniable]

After today’s embarrassing ring tone story, it makes me wonder how people go about choosing their ring tones.  Is it your favorite song of the year?  Is it the cheapest one you can find?  For me, it was meant to be a joke.  But now everyone thinks I have a friend calling me to make it juicy for them.  I guess the jokes on me.  Dammit.

Overheard...in a text (take 3)

FYI...this conversation is with my BROTHER.  He's 30.  And a lawyer.  And obviously NOTHING like me.  Wow I love him.

Hey! Thanks for the STD!!!

A good friend from high school is getting married next year and yesterday in the mail I received her Save The Date.  I wanted to let her know I got it.  I guess I could have re-worded it...

The Importance of Distractions (aka Overheard on Facebook Chat: Take 1)

We all know how important G-chat is on a standard workday. One cannot sit at a computer all day long without distracting themselves from working using Google's finest function with 100 friends signed on, all simultaneously trying to distract themselves from working as well.

I received this message from Mercado a few minutes ago via Facebook chat-a notoriously horrible chat system. Why FB chat when you can G-Chat?

MERC: WHY IS MY GCHAT NOT WORKING?!

MERC: I'M GOING TO DIE!

Thank GOD it's Friday.

It's Friday! Let Us Celebrate

TIS THE SEASON!

Every now and again (re: almost everyday) I will flip over to the smooth listening station on the radio, KOST 103.5. I drive the same piece of shit car I've been drivin' since I was 16, and since the CD player is broken and all things related to plugging in and using an iPod don't work, I get to listen to nothing but the radio. It's not so bad. I listen to talk radio in the morning on the way to work and sometimes they talk about interesting things. And since the pop stations play nothing but the same 6 songs on loop all day long, I have been forced to become a fan of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream."

But I always switch over to KOST 103.5 in hopes that I will hear Celine Dion singing "My Heart Will Go On" or Mariah Carey belting out "Always Be My Baby." This station plays a whole bunch of crap, but those two artists are always featured. And who doesn't love singing Titanic at the top of their lungs in traffic on a Wednesday afternoon?

Well, this morning I had the good fortune of hearing another Mariah hit on KOST. Since about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, KOST has been playing NON-STOP Christmas and Holiday music (talk about over-kill??). I knew this, but I still switched over in hopes of the KOST people somehow considering "My Heart Will Go On" a Holiday Classic.

Well, it wasn't Celine. BUT It was Mariah's "All I want For Christmas Is You." SCORE!! I knew I continued to go to this station for a reason. This is a great song. Listen to it.

...and, ladies and gentleman, this is all I have to blog about on a Thursday morning. But hey-not all of us can stay up late eating expensive sushi in Hollywood with movie stars and have INTERESTING things to write about.

I do consider myself lucky, though. I got to drive up to the 6th floor of that parking garage belting out one of the greatest Christmas classics. It's going to be a good day.